Reader's Question: Single Parent Dating Tips

By: Oliver

I was talking to a few friends about this blog and I was asked a very interesting question, “How do I go back to dating as a single parent when I have children?” I felt that this is something many single parents and even non-single parents wonder themselves. Come to think about, many people have the same question, since dating affects everyone’s life in one way or another. If you are reading this and want to know more about dating and you’re not a single parent, I suggest visiting IntimiDating, which is a wonderful blog that is linked in our tab “Blogs We Like.” However, if you are a single parent and would like to know the answer dating with kids, then you are in right spot! Just sit back, relax, and read on.

I came across a website, More4Kids, which has a focus on parenting children, both on single and non-single parenting tips and hints towards many things, such as dating. I will be using the eight tips of how to date as a single parent with kids. Even though I am covering these eight tips, does not mean these are the only tips in the world! I encourage you to do additional research if you want more tips that what I will cover (e.g. how to focus more on the kids, when it’s appropriate to start dating, etc.). The tips on dating as a single parent are found everywhere, which is why I felt this list does a great job covering the main points of dating as a single parent.

Tip #1 – Never Lie About Being a Parent

When you are dating, you want to make sure that your date understands that you are first a parent. If you try to lie about being a single parent, eventually the truth is going to come out. If they aren't comfortable with this fact, then move on to someone else who can deal with the fact that your priorities are your children.

Tip #2 – Talk to Your Children

Talk to your kids and let them know you're going out to enjoy some adult time with a good friend. At this point, this is all your kids need to know. Keep it simple. Talk to them, but don't get into too many details at this stage in the game.

Tip #3 – Don't Introduce Dates Right Away – Take it Slow

Make sure you have spent a great deal of time with this person in your life before you introduce them to your kids. When you introduce them, it should only be for short periods of time. As things go on, you can include that special person in your family life more and more. However, you don't want them to get attached to your date only for you to break up within a few months.

Tip #4 – Don't Feel Guilty

Many single parents feel guilt when they begin dating again. Eliminate that guilt. It's totally normal to crave some time with other adults. Going out on dates doesn't mean that you are being a bad parent or that you love your children any less. Going on a date is fine as long as it doesn't get in the way of you caring for your children.

Tip #5 – Avoid Talking About Your Ex

When you are dating as a single parent, one important tip to remember is to avoid talking about your ex. Make sure you are over your ex before you begin dating again. As things get more serious, avoid making your date feel uncomfortable by complaining about your ex for the entire date.

Tip #6 – Be a Role Model in Your Relationship

As you are dating, make sure that you are a role model in your relationship. Do you want your kids bringing home new dates to stay overnight? If not, you need to avoid doing this yourself. You need to set a good role model for the children in your home, especially when it comes to the new relationship you are involved in.

Tip #7 – Keep Safety in Mind

The most important things to keep in mind is your safety and the safety of your children. Get to know people before bringing them into your home. You never want to bring home anyone that may be a safety risk to your children. This is why it is so important that you keep safety in mind and avoid bringing any date home right away to meet the kids.

Tip #8 – Listen to Your Children

Last, it is so important that you listen to your children. When you just get out into the dating game again, it is easy to look at a new date blindly. Once your date meets your kids, listen to what your children have to say about your date. Often kids can offer some great input and unique perspectives. If your child truly feels uncomfortable or scared with your date, this is a good reason to break things off.

(Parents, 2013)

Reference:

Parents. (2013, January 1). Single Parent Dating Tips. Retrieved March 29, 2013, from More4Kids: http://www.more4kids.info/3449/single-parent-dating-tips/

  

Ask A Question

By Courtney Allen

I decided to try and find a common question that most people had about single parenting. While I was researching I found that the most common question was “How can I adjust?” or also asked, “How can I heal?” these questions can be answered differently for each and every different person. I decided that I would try and answer this question for those of you that would like to know, and use a way that you can possibly try and adapt for yourself.

Whether you have just gone through a divorce or if your spouse has died you will be going through many different feelings and trials in your life. Sure you might already know this so you are thinking, “Why am I being told what I already know” but I will be providing an example from research done on how you can move on and continue as a successful single parent.

If you lost you spouse because of a death….

Pamela Kruger wrote an amazing article about how a family went through the hardship of the loss of their father. She states in the article “Dealing with the loss of a soulmate is hard enough for any spouse, but doing so while helping your young children grieve is especially difficult” (Kruger, 2005). This family that Kruger talks about lost their father due to complications of deep vein thrombosis and took a great opportunity to change some of their feeling from negative to positive effects.

This family decided to volunteer for the Coalition to Prevent Deep Vein Thrombosis. In conclusion of her article Kruger states that the mother feels “though her children still have down moments, now they associate their father's name not only with sadness - but also with helping to save others' lives” (Kruger, 2005). Redirecting your grief and anger of your lost one can be a huge benefit to you and your children.

If you just survived a divorce….

I know you may be having a hard time dealing with the fact that you just had a divorce but you also need to remember how hard this may be on your child(ren). O matter if your husband was abusive, just not the right guy or for what ever the reason you divorced your child(ren) will still need your support through this. I found a journal written that dicussed some main concepts your children would like to know after a divorce. The authors stated “two components seem to be really important for children during the divorce process: the ability to construct meaning about their parents' decision to divorce and their feeling to count in the process of family transition” (Maes, Mol, & Buysse, 2012). The conclusion to this study was found to be that the child wants a good understanding of why there is/was a divorce and they also want to know that their feelings will matter in decisions and things that are going to happen.

Some other things you might want to try to help you heal could include:

             

                                    -Joining a community group / Support Group

                                    -Working on a Hobby

                                    -Exercising

                                    -Reaching out to others

                                    -Spending time with other adults

                                    -Take some kind of class

                                    -Meet new people

                                    -Find something to laugh at

                                    -Take your kids out

Remember you are always welcome to ask any of us questions! 

References:

Kruger, P. (2005). Strength After Loss. Child, 20(5), 108.

Maes, S. J., De Mol, J., & Buysse, A. (2012). Children's Experiences and Meaning Construction on Parental Divorce: A Focus Group Study. Childhood: A Global Journal Of Child Research, 19(2), 266-279.

Book Review

Book Review: Barb

                While taking a Fatherhood class at The University of Utah I was required to read “Father Need” by Kyle D Pruett, M.D. I love this book because many of the books we read are about roles mothers take in their children’s lives. This book is about the father’s role. Dr. Pruett addresses how important fathers are in their lives even if he doesn’t live with the children.

                In the first chapter of this book Dr. Pruett teaches us how fathers parent their children differently than mothers.  For example; mothers will calmly sweetly talk to their baby while changing the baby’s diaper. If the father is changing the baby then it becomes more of a game and involves tickling or flying the baby like an airplane. Is there any wonder if a baby is tired a ready to calm down he/she may want Mom. However if the baby is awake and ready to play he/she may show a strong preference for Daddy, Pruett research has shown that children thrive on having both kinds of parents or in other words having both a mom and a dad.

                Dr. Pruett has a chapter in the book devoted to divorce and the need that children still have for their fathers and the need fathers still have for their children. Children so not handle parental conflict well. The better the parents can get along especially in front of the children the happier the children will be ,and the better they will be able to cope with the stress that and unhappiness during and after the divorce of their parents. Dr. Pruett also teaches that the more involved the father is in his children’s lives the less likely he will leave his children. He will want to be there for them. He addresses Mothers on this issue counseling them not to close the gate to their children. Mother can be too protective of their children and not allow the Dads access to the kids. The earlier the dad gets involved with his kids the better dad he will be and the better the outcome for the children. Dr. Pruett strongly recommends starting in the delivery room. Dads need to be there for the mom and the baby!

                 I would recommend this book to all parents, married, single, divorced and even widowed. I found this book helpful in dealing with the father of my own children, and we have been divorced for over 12 years. I would recommend this book to expectant couples. They can read it together as they await the birth of their first child. This book is based on research done by Dr. Pruett and many others. This book is easy to understand and worth the time it takes to read it. I hope you gain as much from the book as I did.

Reference:

Kyle D Pruett, M. (2000). Father need Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child. New York: Broadway Books.

                  

Book Review: Super Single Parenting

Book Review: Oliver

Throughout the last few weeks, I have been searching for a book that I felt could really relate to single parents. I found books on being a successful mother with sons, a successful father with twins, and even books on single Irish parenting. However, it wasn’t long until I came across Thomas Taylor’s book Super Single Parenting – Raising Kids On Your Own & Having A Happy, Stable Life.

What I like about this book, Super Single Parenting, is it’s ability to break down many common and simple things every parent experiences. Taylor’s focus is of course on the perspective of single parenting, however, does an amazing job talking about topics such as dating, how to set boundaries, and much. Before I give a quick summary of what Taylor’s advice to you as a single parent, I wanted to share his story about his experiences, which lead him to write this book.

Thomas began his fatherhood with someone whom he loved in a “non-traditional” relationship (not being married, but having a child together). He explains how he was in love and that the relationship felt normal and positive. Unfortunately, this did not last and before Thomas could realize, he was now a single father. Instead of feeling sorry and doubtful, Thomas decided to make himself happy in life, more importantly he decided that his daughter would be happy in life as well. The first step in achieving this happy lifestyle is “to have a life that is full of energy and freedom from the past” (Taylor, 2013, p. 7). I love this and I feel that it really speaks to parents when first faced with becoming a single parent. His advice is simple, I see it as live life free from the past. Whether you are a single parent or not, this is great advice regardless!

Thomas breaks his book up into three sections: your New Family, your Child, and the last is about You. He explains that these three topics are crucial to living a happy life! Below is some advice that Thomas talks about, which covers a range of different components that everyone can face as a single parent.

1.     Setting Up Boundaries – This does not focus on just the rules and limits with the family, but the factor of honesty with your child. Saying, “Because I said so” to your child as an answer to their question, doesn’t help the relationship. Better, let your child know that these “rules” and limits are designed to protect the family as a whole. Thus, this “equality” with your child will put you high in their eyes and will allow them to be more understanding.

2.     Doing “Double Duty” – This advises you to have a dual role of disciplinarian and nurturer with your child. You might disagree or don’t understand how these polar opposites are consistent. However, Thomas believes that “in being a disciplinarian it gives you an opportunity to be consistent as a provider/nurturer” (Taylor, 2013, p. 31)

3.     Dating With Younger Children – Dating is going to be a component of your life in some way or another. Thomas gives tips on how to have a fun relationship, without making your child feel left out. One of these is doing activities with both your partner and your child that is inclusive of what your child likes. Keep the communication open and be honest/genuine with your child throughout your dating life.

4.     Becoming “Self-Appointed” in Your Life – Thomas argues the biggest architect of your life, is yourself! By creating a life where you are “self-appointed” means that you have the ability to create the life that you have always wanted. Thomas haves tips and guidelines on how you should become a master of your words and actions, which ultimately affect the life you want for your child

(Taylor, 2013)

In conclusion, this is a very simple book that almost anyone can understand Thomas’s points and can apply the practices within this book to their lives. To make the reading easier and more engaging, Thomas adds “>>” two arrows to indicate that there’s a tip for you (that you should know) and he provides “..” two dots that reveals an exercise for the reader, which makes reading more engaging. These exercises are actions that Thomas has taken as a single parent and explains how they can too help you in your life.

Reference: 

Taylor, T. (2013). Super Single Parenting - Raising Kids On Your Own & Having A Happy, Stable Life. Soilhull, England: Thomas Taylor.

Book Review

Book Review By: Courtney

I decided to read the book Single Parenting that works: Six keys to raising happy, healthy children in a Single-Parent Home by Dr. Kevin Leman. I felt this book was filled with practical advice and also had great wisdom. The book starts off by bringing in different experiences that the reader may have experienced. Within the first few pages Dr. Kevin Leman gives research and facts that are based on single parent families. It is hard to find a book that has facts that has reliable research to back it up. In his list of facts he not only provides information for one type of single parents but for a very large variety including divorced parents, never-married parent, separated parents, widowed parents and a few other parents. Within the book he states, “Clearly, you are not alone! Numerous single parents have walked this same road in the past, and many others are walking it with you right now” (Leman, 2006, p. 40).  By stating this, he let his readers know that they are not alone in trying to succeed through single parenting. The one thing that I found very interesting in this book was how he did not put down parenting in general but supported the fact that it is not always as simple as we think.

Dr. Kevin Leman’s six keys to raising happy, healthy children in a Single-Parent Home:

           

Key 1:  Create a Plan

            Key 2: Know yourself, know your child.

            Key 3:  Gather a Team.

            Key 4: Focus on the ABC’s.

            Key 5: Know what to say and do when kids ask…

            Key 6: Realize it’s not about you, it’s about the kids... for now.

These keys may not make complete since by just reading them but if you decide to read this book (which I highly suggest) then you can learn what the author means by each key concept. I found that this book was written very well and that you could get very reliable information from it. You can find that through this book he asks you questions and will have you think about yourself and your experiences while reading this book. These questions at the end of each chapter is what he calls “Key Qs” make you evaluate, think, problem solve and reflect. This is more than a book it is sort of like a guide to help you begin your own plan for single parenting. If you have any questions about the book just let me know in a comment below and I will get back to you as soon as possible. 

References:

Leman, Kevin (2006). Single Parenting that works: Six keys to raising happy, healthy children in a Single-Parent Home.